“You don't understand anything and you don't know me at all!” – Does it sound familiar? Parents of teenagers regularly hear such suggestions. As a consolation, experts argue that this is not only normal, but even necessary, because a teenager just needs to rebel in order to develop properly. But they can help you through this difficult time: parents…our children's friends.
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There is a sharp moment in a child's life when he falls blind. Suddenly it turns out that this idealized father-hero mostly works, and after work he sits on the sofa on the phone. This, of course, has nothing to do with his thesis You need to develop your passionsAnd sport is health.
Or that wonderful mother who cooked delicious dinners and was the keeper of the house… Suddenly, in the eyes of a teenager, she is a depressed, overworked woman who is always tired and instead of spending pleasant time with her family. He spends his energy fighting with his father (no more). hero).
Such was the case with Asia, whose teenage daughter literally changed overnight. – Suddenly I felt that a stranger came to us. Even worse, there was no process that progressed. It was a sudden blow. I felt as if someone had changed me child – he says.
As Asya explains, she suddenly had to learn how to become a mother again. – I felt that I lost all the knowledge that I acquired during my son's childhood. That I had to learn it all over again. She explains how to be a mother to a teenager.
However, there is a group of people who are the center of attention teenagers will suddenly win. – It's a funny process, because the parent loses and the friend's parent becomes an idol for our child. Because “my dad just lays on the couch, and Krzyzyk's dad runs around and has passions!” – cites the example of child and youth therapist Cecilia Bieganowski. – Or Ali's mother is understanding and relaxed and not as strict as mine – he adds.
As Cecilia Bieganowska explains, everything It begins with rebellion.
– Rebellion is a natural process that should lead the child to become an autonomous individual and finally leave the family nest. A teenager rebels because that's how he builds himself A sense of autonomy and identity – explains Cecilia Bieganowska. Unfortunately, it falls on the parents.
But the children in their lives, both younger and older, They need adults. That's when the parents of our children's best companions come in – all in white.
Raising a friend, that is, the best support for a child
The theme of the parents of the children's friends appears in support Psychological researchFor example, Joseph Allen. As Cecilia Bieganowska points out, it is no coincidence that children see them as a great support.
This is the result of social evolution that has occurred over the years. When we lived in villages, parents could pick out rebellious children from another adult “herd”. Years later, the village turned into a multi-headed family, in which a teenager could find support in the form of an aunt or uncle. Today we live in highly atomized families, so children look elsewhere for supportive adults.
And here's an example of Kryziek's father or Ali's mother, in which our teenager will find support…whichever parents you don't like.
Friends whose parents don't approve
All is well when our child hangs out with peers who “answer back” to their parents. Problems start when environments collide.
– It's fair to say that we will have an influence on who our teenage children hang out with. Of course, if there are situations where he is in company that clearly threatens him, i.e. sects, criminal circles, etc., then this is the moment. When a parent needs intervention. But this is an exception, explains the therapist.
In my experience as a therapist, these situations are rare and parents love to create problems. Things that should not be “dangerous” in the eyes of parents can include, for example, the political views of a best friend and his family.
– It is not the case that if our friend's father is a Confederate voter and we are not, we have to convince the child that he should not associate with that person or cannot accept his views. Because if so – Explain.
So what can disgruntled parents do in such a situation? First of all Ask.
– Asking questions and listening This is a fundamental change that must occur during the educational process when our child begins to rebel. Because banning or – even worse – lecturing won't achieve anything. The child will be even more closed, a old In his eyes, if they “don't know anything about life”, they still won't understand,” the expert adds.
Why is this important?
The question remains why parents should allow children to form relationships with both adults and peers.
Harvard University was doing a great job A study of happiness. The word “big” is not an exaggeration, because it lasted… 85 years. What did researchers discover after this time? An in-depth analysis of the lives of the interviewed people led us to the thesis: Good relationships increase our level of happiness, has a positive effect on health and allows you to live longer. But how to “force” the child to get out in front of the computer and establish relationships.
– Not only research, but even my professional experience shows that parents who identify the problem of isolated adolescents themselves create poor or no social ties. They don't have it friendshipSo, in theory, you shouldn't be surprised that they don't have children either – explains the therapist at naTemat.
It is, he adds, the most valuable form of learning modeling. Children will be more willing to play sports if they see their parents being physically active. Similarly, if they do not see their parents reading, they also avoid reading books. And it's the same with friends.
Children who find satisfaction in social relationships more easily are the children of parents who themselves had friends. Without homeschooled role models, this is simply much harder to achieve.
moreover, relationships Built by our parents teaches us not only how to create and maintain them, but also how to end them when they become harmful to us. And, as a rule, this is the knowledge that we most painfully lack in adulthood.
Also read: https://natemat.pl/476780,jak-dzialaja-internetowi-przesladowcy